Month: May 2021

I have quite the imagination. I can drum up the most out of the box storyline and it will feel real. Maybe I should have become a writer. If the world could see what this brain could do, it would be intrigued. I’ll put a pin in those thoughts for now.

In the middle of the night, I woke myself up several times because of my dream. It started off with me spending time in the pool with 2 other people…no clue who, but it seemed like we were all friends. Now, to know me, means you know…I’ll get in the pool, but I have a huge fear of drowning. In my dream, it was all fun and games until I decided to go underwater. I remember being in the deep end…that’ll never happen in real life…then, I just went underwater and took a huge breath in. I woke up from my dream taking a huge inhale and trying to catch my breath. I went back to sleep…same dream. I would surface to the top of the water and go back down, take a huge breath in, and wake myself up gasping for air. I did this a few more times. At some point, I went back to sleep and moved on to a new dream that I don’t remember.

I’m not one for analyzing dreams all the time, but this one meant something. In my life now, I’m drowning. My biggest fear…has become a reality. There’s so much happening in my life that I can’t catch my breath. It all came to a head this week and now it’s effecting my dreams…my sleep…the one place I can be and do anything I want, has caught up to my real life. #SomethingHasToGive

Today, I’m making it a point to change the narrative, both in my awake life AND in my dreams. I’m getting the family up and out to Starbucks for dessert at breakfast. Thing 1 will have a warmed brownie, Thing 2 will have a marshmallow dream bar (can we just call it a Rice Krispie treat, Starbucks?), and I will have a honey citrus mint tea with 2 raw sugars with a side of some breakfast item. The Father of All Things will likely say, “You can take me to Dunkin’ on the way back.” He ain’t the biggest ‘Bucks fan. But everyone is getting what they enjoy this morning!

My hope, this will be a great start to the day! Notice I didn’t say weekend. I’m taking this thing called life one day…one honey citrus mint tea…one brownie…one marshmallow dream bar…one trip to Dunkin’…at a time.

#GodsDoingSomething #IFeelIt #ThinkHeNeededMyAttention #HeGitIt #HesMyParachute

Recently, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb between the hours of 10p and 8a. It will ring for those deemed as emergency contacts, which is all I care about between those hours. I didn’t consider group text messages, though. So today, I got a call from my father as I sat in bed, contemplating if I was ready to take on the day. He said something like, I told your mother she shouldn’t be eating that cabbage at night. I was befuddled, but I speak my dad’s language and I immediately check my text messages. My mom was texting us she was not feeling well. #NowItMakesSense

This was day 4 of her first chemo cycle, so I had no reason to believe it was from the pills. And eating cabbage during dinner time ain’t never hurt no one. She was set to take a new pill in a couple of hours, so all I could do was get her to eat. She wasn’t able to get out of bed, so I went over to get some food in her and hopefully clear the nausea. I grabbed quick foods from my kitchen on the way out. #JustThrowItInTheBag

When I got there, I was able to get her to eat a bit. She started to feel a little better, but still nauseous. She must’ve called her Doctor because the NP called her back when I was there. My mom’s responses to the NP made me feel some kind of way, but I left it alone. As she and I were walking through her previous day, she reminded me she took her antibiotic 2 days in a row on accident. #AHA #Lightbulb

I messaged the NP to let her know. I explained that this was the first time in the months since taking these meds that she had made this mistake. I also asked for any concerns she had and when she should take the next dose. The message I got back in MyChart left me speechless…but only for a moment. #ImSorryWhat #CalmDownKawandra #LetsChooseOurWordsWisely #MammaBearIsAboutToGoHAM

The first thing she said to me was, why did she take her antibiotic yesterday? Now, I just got done explaining the answer to the question. She followed up by saying, she is supposed to be taking it M-W-F and she is supposed to be taking it with food. #WOOOOOOOSAAAAAAAAA As politely as I could muster up, I asked her to please show my mother some grace. I reiterated this being the first time she has made this mistake and told her, her words had some bass in them and I wasn’t here for it. Needless to say, I got a follow up message AND phone call behind that one. She apologized and recognized that her words needed some work. She said she didn’t want us to ever feel like we couldn’t call her. Then a thousand more apologies. #Ok #Noted #OneEyeWillForeverBeOnYou

Listen, don’t play with me or my family. I have no issue getting you all the way together, and no title or status makes you immune. #SheLearnedToday

I said all of that to say…the Do Not Disturb is no longer on my phone! #Open24By7

Today was a good day! I say that because I was not so sure it would be. See, a couple of days ago, I had a huge breakdown. I was spent and it took a trigger (dirty kitchen) for me to finally break down…

The issue…I do A LOT! Nothing new, but it is something that I have to work on and the people around me have to support. My mind is always running a mile a minute. It is typically never at rest because I am always managing through what is in front of me, while in another part of my mind, managing what is to come down the road. It is a blessing, sure. It is also a heavy burden. Even when I am sleeping, I am not sure I am truly resting. This is proven on nights when I physically cannot sleep because my mind is full and I am too busy working through the future in my head. On top of the mental tasks, there are all the physical ones…keeping the house clean, keeping the bills paid, ensuring the kids are current on school items, laundry, cooking, etc. Add to that, making sure my mom is happy, has what she needs, and remembers anything important. Oh, y’all remember I started working too, right? The demands of the new gig are so far outside of what I could have imagined I don’t even know if everything is done most days.

#SPENT

Leading up to Mother’s Day, I asked that I not just get a good day…but I get a good days…year…life! I get it. Mother’s Day is a day where I am to be celebrated for all that I do, but in reality, I need those stops to be rolled out each day. Not the accolades, but the act of taking things off of my plate so that I can truly rest. I NEED more than a day to reset this battery if I am going to be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend!

I hope that message was received. I had a wonderful Mother’s Day! I was able to lay around the house most of the day. My mom came over for an Olive Garden dinner. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.

Now…let’s see what happens next…